24

Slipping.

Twisting.

Pain.

Staggering.

Fear.

Fire.

Performance.

Dependence.

Defiance.

Swelling.

Helpless.

Cold.

Exhaustion.

Heat.

Useless.

Hopeless.

movement

I hate sitting out of practice. I despise it. I try to avoid it at all costs. Unfortunally, I have a pretty serious unrepaired injury in my right knee and a painful condition that affects boths knees. I wear a brace on the right knee, and I have been to PT, but overall they remain largely uncared for.

Because of this, I find myself on the sidelines much more than I’d like to be. Marching band can be pretty bad, as the tempertature influences how bad it hurts. Cold is the worst, which is bad seeing band goes into December. Since it’s outside, obviously, I have no control over it. The staff is more than accomodating and understanding. They know I’d rather be on the field, but they’ll pull me or I’ll pull myself out of a move to avoid injury. I spent my senior night on the sideline after I managed to blow it out after standing up. I was beyond upset at the fact that I wouldn’t be able to march in my last home game. I had to be carried to the stadium, to the end zone, and onto the field to be recognized. I couldn’t put any weight on it at all; during the performance I stood at parade rest with all my weight on my left leg. I toughed it out, but afterward I nearly broke down. Watching the hole that was me move across the field nearly killed me.

Of course, now marching band is over, which means drumline. Seeing as the outdoors are completely taken out of indoor drumline, logic says I shouldn’t have to sit out as much. Right? Wrong. I feel like this season has found me laying on the edge of the court more often than ever before. The incredibly cold winter certianally didn’t help, but in an indoor activity I shouldn’t have to do that. I feel like such a let down to the line when I have to get off the floor. I don’t want to get hurt and in turn cause someone else to get hurt. If I blew out on the floor, there’d be a really good chance that someone else would go down with me. Perhaps several someone. I don’t like taking that chance. Tonight however, I decided not to pull myself off the floor because we were learning new drill and missing a lot of people already. And I was sick of being useless to the line.

My knee has swollen up and it is now increasingly harder to walk. I’m currently propped up on a few pillows and trying to heat and relax the muscles. This is no fun. I feel like apologizing to everyone in the band and the line. I love these activities too much to stop, but I can’t help feeling like a detriment to the ensemble everytime I hobble comically off stage left.